i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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