someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
