**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
