Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
