I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
