I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
