We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
