I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
