it's too hot outside to masturbate.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
