Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
