Your face is a jimmy john
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?