You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So I just went to clothing optional bar
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
