your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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