I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
