If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
