I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Randomize
