All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
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ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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