So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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