Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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