with your own penis?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
