wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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