What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
