There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
