his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
