Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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