So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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