i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
