i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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