yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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