Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
