btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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