I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
