Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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