Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
