burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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