I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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