I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
