When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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