Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
