I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
