her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
