Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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