my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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