So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
