What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
