"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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