my phone needs a breathalizer
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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