dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
