Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
