i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Randomize
