i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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