that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
