No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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