We're facebook friends in real life
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i out mim tonsoeep
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