I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
