I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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