So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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