Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
