i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
