i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
