i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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