Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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