Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
