I wish I could punch you in the face.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
