My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
